Blahhhh

I came across this blog with such an enlightening post here. After reading such an inspiring message I told myself joyfully I want my children to remember the mother I am, the sacrifice I made to make sure they had everything they needed or even wanted. I didnt want to miss out on capturing precious moments or milestones because my hair was frizzy, or my desired weight hadnt been reached yet.

  This determined optimistic change lasted until I recently took photos. I took one glance at my stomach bulging over my jeans and my heart sank.  I silently thought is this what I really look like? Then I easily recalled the days I spent eating caramelites, cookies and better than anything cake for breakfast. Now I see where every piece of delicious Heaven went. Then unwillingly I looked at my legs. When did those fill out?? I swear just the other day I justified how great I looked in the mirror. 

Now of course I just had to add to the fire. While taking pictures I thought it would be "sooo cute" to take a picture of our family walking down a dirt road. My husband and I holding hands, while our four year old happily took a ride on Cameron's shoulders and I held our sweet 6 month old. The image I had in my mind was a Pinterest type of photo. I even had the perfect place picked out on our wall.

Well, since I'm writing this post obviously it turned out way different then what I had expected. Our two boys, were adorable, and my husband even looked great....but then there was me and not only was it me, but it was me from behind??? WHAT WAS I THINKING. Instead of exiting out of my photos and walking away dealing with my bulging stomach and tree trunk thighs I zoom in!! Big mistake. There it was, my worst nightmare. I gulped and thought is that really me, over and over until it sank in....Yep thats definitely me....

The pain and embarrassment I felt at that moment was more than I could handle. Many ideas scrambled through my mind, like I'll never walk in front of anyone every again, I need longer shirts, and so on.

Can I just say booooo on the body bouncing back after baby number 2. I dont know about anyone else but after I had Seth I had nothing to worry about. I gained 60+ pounds and was back down to my pre-pregnancy size in one month. I have a second child and only gained 29 lbs and it looks like my body is made of goo and someone threw it against the wall...SPLAT is all I see when I look at myself, especially in the recent pictures.

I promise this isnt a depressing sympathy post to gain any attention. I do have a motive here or at least I hope I do.

Finally after the initial shock I was able to think rationally, I came to a conclusion. Theres a wonderful thing called cardio. Ahhh HAH!!! Maybe, just maybe if I change my terrible eating habits and run on the treadmill I've given my husband such a hard time about having since its hardly been used. No need to embarrass myself more by going to a gym, it seems all to good to be true.

So here it is, I dont care what I "weighed" before I had Ashton, or Seth. I still want to capture moments with my children, but I also want to feel good. I want to look back to these days and be proud of the mother I am, but also be proud of ME and feel good about the skin I"m in. I've attempted to start this for two months now but have had a hard time sticking to it. Am I the only one with this problem??

I was thinking of posting my horrific experience with my photos but I'll save myself the embarrassment until I take a new one and hopefully look much better.

I'm committed now, I have to do this! Its far more embarrassing to post this publicly and not make a change than it is to just get up and do it....right???

I can do this.....I can do this.....I can do this....